My Mother Asked Me- “What Do You Want?”- One Day

Screenshot_20160109-113726~2.pngMy mother asked me what i want from life. I don’t think she can ever digest what i want. I want to say all this to her , but i can’t. There is a turmoil in me, which i seem to be going deep into. U see i want mental and physical peace. My mind doesn’t sleep although my body does. I am becoming weak and i know that. I try to tire myself out everyday, but mind still refuses to sleep and rest for even a day. I want peace and how am i to achieve it? I think i already know the answer. What i want is that i work again for a  MNC where i can climb up the ladder and become what i want to get International Recognition. What i want is that the only guy who loves me like crazy, marries me and keeps me happy. For once i felt like being loved by someone and as they say u should marry a person who loves you and not a person whom you love. Maybe its true, i want to for once break down my emotional walls and let him have the reign of my life. Its time i give my life a loose. What i want is that my parents agree to marry me to him, in spite of fact that he is not as wealthy as i am, but is working day and night to earn enough to give me what i deserve.

Don’t i deserve him?

What i want is love and support of my parents. I want them to trust me and my decisions. I had enough of people trying to make decisions for me, when i did not want them to. I can’t hurt my parents. I want to make them an integral part of my every decision.I want them to guide me, but support me in my path. I had always had a dream of coming in a magazine cover one day. Me as  a successful International Face. Since then i had to strive hard to make it come true.

Can’t i wish for any of them?

Can’t i wish to be making my own life decisions?

I was out of peace a year back, but my work kept me sane. Now that being gone i guess i am losing my sanity again. What i want is understanding. Someone who would understand me for what i want, i am, i  need. Everyone makes mistakes in life. I also have made my share of them, but don’t they say that if one realize own mistakes and repents for it, one is forgiven. I realized, i repented but am i still not forgotten?

Why my life is a sudden mess ? and a mess from where i cant come out even if i want to. I am slowly being pulled in it deep down. At times i feel like running away, but at times i feel nothing. I want to be angry and hurt  myself so that they know how hurt i am, but all is being ignored too.

But is there anyone who will stop ignoring me?? All is going wrong, everything. There is no solution to anything. I want to be happy like i used to be, but when?

Will Mom understand this ever??

Will anyone ever understand this ever??

Will i ever have peace again??

Sometimes i wish i was never born, i am sure my mother wishes the same. I am full of bitterness now which is eating me up slowly.

Will i ever get out of this??

Is there no peace?? No way?? Cant i live a happy life?? Am i asking for too much??

Isn’t it simple enough that i want harmony for all including myself?

I just can’t marry anyone. I too have a certain set of needs for my life partner. Don’t i have the right to make that decision either??

Can’t i choose whom i want to marry?

Can nobody trust me for my own life?

Life is filled with all these questions and i am no where near in finding any answers to any of them. Life is like a web of wants and needs and i am just like a insect stuck to it waiting for my predator to come and eat me. Isn’t there any way out?

Life is a puzzle more than a mystery. Entry by birth and exit only by death. Are there no doorways in middle for escape?

I want to tell all this to my mother but this will be read, forgotten and ignored like all together just like before.

Is there no hope at all?

If i say she will never be able to take it and my mother asked me what i want from life.



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