Sometimes….

carol and co_TIRED_YkZgQ2s.jpgSometimes i want that everything goes back to what it was, what it used to be between me and you. We met when we wanted to without having the obligation to meet each other everyday. We talked day in day out without having to think twice about what we shared. We could touch each other without conscience. We walked miles and not worry who saw us. We laughed every now and then. I wish i get back the times when i could just be me with you. I wish u could just be the best friend u were to me, who would be happy with my happiness and guide me through difficult times. A friend who i thought would dance at my marriage and bid me adieu. A friend with whom i could bitch about my husband and laugh. A best friend above everything. Love was never meant to be between us. Love has taken all what we were meant to be, and now no one is certain about the future. I am scared i might just loose the only hope of sanity i have and that is you my friend. I want us like always. I hate that you are becoming over possessive, paranoid, over protective. I had not bargained my friend ship with you for this. Now every word of love you utter reminds me of what it will not be, of what i can never have. Our friendship is way stronger than our love for each other. I can start loving a stranger with time but losing the only best friend i have is not what i am ready for.. I dream about our days a lot, i make web of fiction in mind, cajoling myself to deal without u in future. When did things become so bitter and complicated between us i don’t know. Sometimes i don’t feel like talking to u with the fear of u getting all tensed up. Sometimes i feel like everything’s that u said have changed. What things were are no longer what things are. I guess m messed up because i feel guilty in letting you dream all that you have. I want to make a decision of my life but i cant since  i feel obligated towards you. I am living a life of lies and manipulations. Sometimes i want all this to go away so that i can sleep at nights and not feel pathetic about anything. Maybe love is not meant for me because i have to pay more than what i would ever receive. All i want now is to tell my mom what is is dying to hear, to see the smile on my Dad’s face and content on my family’s face. When i think about it i think about you, about what future you have promised me, but i am tired thinking anything. I don’t blame any one for this, none. i guess the fault always laid in what i wanted and what i want.

Sometimes i wish i would never have said I LOVE YOU BACK.

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