“You were born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life” – Rumi.
Have you ever felt like there is another world behind the clouds?
Have you ever walked under the dark clouds whose reflection makes even the purest water seem dirty?
Have you ever felt that the world has suddenly stopped, that wind has stopped blowing, everything around you is still like death itself?
Have you ever seen light being eaten by darkness, slowly ebbing away?
Well Have You?
I am out on my walk today as usual. I love walking every evening with music plugged on to my ears, which resonates every cell in my body.
When I am out under the blue sky, among the green leaves and the flirtatious wind, I come alive.
I love smiling at the clouds, getting teased by the wind, dancing and singing with the leaves and trees and circling of the birds.
I am the happiest when I am part of the Nature.
However, today is not the same realized I.
The air is heavy today, the drops on the leaves are hot, the birds sit on the fence quietly, a stillness surrounds me with only the music playing in my ears.
I stop not having the strength and zeal to continue my walk.
I look out at the sky, look as far as my vision can take me.
Dark clouds move towards me as I stand transfixed staring at the mass of black which seems to be shifting shapes.
I am seeing figures, which puzzle and unsettle me.
“Did i just see a man of aristocracy watching down at me?”- wondered I.
“It is all stupid. Oh! You darf, you are doing it all again. It is just a cloud, its sure to rain now. Head back, before you are all drenched.” – said I to myself.
I struggled between practicality and my beliefs of magic. However the former won as usual.
But before walking away, I gave a last glance only to become immovable.
The Music in my ears faded away, as I became no longer aware of the song, the lyrics, the chords.
Standing still, I felt it, felt the earth vibrate, feeling the in-controllable energy in the wind, the sudden restlessness of the birds.
Still looking ahead of me, my vision falls on a small cuckoo which flew over to the fence right to next to me.
I look at the poised cuckoo for a while before giving my attention to the vision before me.
But before I could see it, I felt it.
I felt it in my heart, I felt it when the hair at the back of my neck tingled, and then I saw.
A gush of wind came rushing from the direction ahead of me, like a tornado ready to create havoc, making my hair go wild with frenzy, my clip flying off leaving it open making my hair rise up in the air like creepers, some of which tightened around my neck like a serpent ready to kill its prey by sucking its breath away.
I try to release myself from the bondage but all in vain.
I feel the cuts my hair is leaving on the skin of my neck. Somehow I feel helpless.
I try bending my head to get some air, I can see the larks flying above my head in a circle like eagles awaiting for the body to die before it can feed on the corpse.
My heart stops as tears fills my eyes.
I want to be free, I am trying hard but I am unable to.
Falling on the ground I bruise my knees, with my hands still trying to free myself from the clutches of the razor sharp hair blades.
I give up and look at my hands which have blood lines on it.
I covers my face with blood covered hands. I sob quietly.
“I don’t want to die. What is happening to me? Is this a dream or some nightmare? But I remember coming to work today. I want to go back” said I crying out loud.
I try again, try again to breathe, to liberate myself from the tangles around me but all in vain.
I almost give up but something kept me trying. I did not know how many hours have passed. I look around hoping to see some one who could help me but there were none. It was as if I was on an island lost ready to die and no one will know where I am.
“How is this even happening to me?” asked I.
Confusion makes me want to free myself more, my zeal for answers make me try harder. My purpose to live makes me angrier. I continue, trying to control but then I simply give up. All of a sudden my arms gets relaxed and drops down. I feel the tightening of my hair around my neck sucking the breath out of me. My mouth open, my eyes are dilated. I feel them burning, I feel tears running down my cheeks. I gag, I cough. I am shaking.
“I am all ready to die. Goodbye” said I as I embrace my death. A smile pops on my face, still coughing, still undergoing spasms.
For last time I opened my eyes and that’s when I see it coming. Out of the dark clouds came charging a hooded man on white stallion followed by a fleet of riders all on black horses riding fast.
I feel my heart beat race and growing louder.
I feel them beat in unison with the foot of the horses galloping towards me. It was like everything happening in slow motion and then in a jiffy the stillness was gone, replacing itself with chaos.
The only thing that divided me and the army was the lake.
I hear the larks produce a bellicose sound, still flying round and round.
I feel my hair entangling itself from my neck as I suck in the air once again.
I almost puke, almost falling off the fence when I saw the cuckoo once again sitting still watching me.
I know its watching me. We are both looking each other. I move forward to touch it, but before I could possibly outstretch my hands, it flew.
I saw it flying towards the rider of the white stallion. It seemed as if they were talking and then I see them moving side by side.
Confused I stand watching, waiting, doing nothing.
Now I did not want to run, suddenly I did not feel scared at all, suddenly I feel nothing.
The white stallion’s only centimeters away from me and then I am lifted, and thrown up in the sky as if I am a disc.
I scream. I feel like being sucked in a vacuum. It is like being in the black hole. I am sure this is how it must be only that I am not falling but rising higher and higher and then suddenly everything halts. I am in mid air feeling lighter.
A hollowness settling in my stomach. I slowly opens my eyes and see white. All white.
“Well, I am dead!” – said I to myself.
I look around to see only huge chunks of cotton.
“Well this looks like scene from Harry Potter. Not a train station but a field of cotton.” said I. I shake my head at my own thoughts. Well in dire situations I always look up for humor and somehow it always gets attached to a scene from the movie. I am a big movie buff.
According to me, fiction is nothing but reality in another parallel world around us. Well coming back to where I am. I try walking but feel no ground beneath my feet.
I am floating, which made me realize I am in the clouds not in some field.
I look down at my clothes and I am wearing the same one I had that day, my hands are not bloody anymore, no bruise lines, no cuts. I touch my neck and I feel no cuts. I feel my hair. They are not clipped but nicely settled down on my shoulder.
“Now what?” ask I. I look around. The black clouds are there no more. I see them ebbing away as sunlight seeps through them making the clouds look like glossy white cotton candy.
I feel exhilarated. I feel light and happy. I feel excited and liberated. A warmth fills my heart. Warmth surrounds my skin. I look at my hands only to find them glistening like diamonds. I feel beautiful. Laughter erupts from me as I squealed with delight. I try running but only to float and fly. Well I feel like super woman. I fly over the clouds touching them with my fingers. After playing around I rest on one of the clouds looking at the sky. I see the larks flying past me. I see crows, sparrows and other winged creatures too. It is a vision to behold, watching them from such a short distance. It must be evening for I see the sun going slowly going down behind the clouds. The orange golden mist shining right in front of me. I am looking in the light. I get up and move towards it. It is like walking on water as unreal as surreal as I could have ever imagined.
I am about to go to the horizon. A place which is Utopian to living creatures but I am not alive, am I? Well now I am simply a free spirit floating, playing, moving towards the light. I can see the shape of my hands, my stomach, my breasts, my legs but I know I am only my soul with memories of my old self.
All my life I had wanted to be free, I had wanted to fly, to run with wind in my hair and lungs out of breath yet I was stopped, stopped by all.
I was asked to behave with a list of do’s and dont’s to be memorized. If I strayed I was punished. I was called names, I was judged, I was banished I was reprimanded for following my heart.
Yet each day I wanted to live, each day I would steal those few hours which belonged to me. Each day I would think of flying high, free from the clutches of the world. Each day dreaming of touching the stars in the sky, to swivel, dance under the starry night in the moonlight. And each day I would fail. Fail in the eyes of others and ultimately mine.
Like everyone I had my dreams too, I wanted to do something, fulfill my purpose in life which I knew was specifically for me. I wanted to live, live like others did, trying their best every day to survive amidst the rules and regulations of the society who were equally confused as the rest of us.
I was afraid of dying, afraid to go away. I in my last throes of life tried my best to survive, to try controlling my life, to sustain, to be strong and yet only when I let go, only when I had embraced my devastation, my death was I liberated, was I given that one thing I had desired for a long long time. My freedom, a light and wings.
It was then I realized that I had wings all along, I just did not open them.
But today here I am moving towards the light leaving past all my shadows ready to start again. A new life, a new body, a new me. I am no longer scared as I leave behind my memories ready for a new adventure, for new beliefs.
This is my story. A story of an average looking girl with a zest for life and vision unusual for a city dwelling girl. A girl whose heart is stuck in the stars, in the sky, in the birds, in the moon. A heart who shines through the day and craves in the night. A heart that is caged, bound in lock and chains.
This is story of my faith. Faith which starts by keeping a belief on the invisible and continuing on it irrespective of the reality that is perceived by eyes.
This is story of my change. Change which starts when we become conscious of ourselves, when we become wise enough to bring it out within us rather than effecting the world outside which is not even under our control.
This is story of my Miracle, a cause of my prayers. Story of my Freedom.
I am “One” with the light.
I am the “Light”.
And this is the purpose of my life.
@imagecourtsey – google.com/images
These images are not my artwork but merely some images I love over the internet. In case it offends anyone please let me know.